There is a storied rivalry between the two coasts of the good ‘ol U.S. of A., a titanic bout of braggadocio and chest-puffing that’s been going on since the adventurous denizens of the West first stopped murdering each other and holding up stage coaches and periodically seceding from any number of foreign countries, and decided to make a stab at creating something resembling a society.

 

Easterners trumpet their heritage, breeding, and diligence. Westerners sing the praises of marijuana, avocados, and marijuana. Everyone agrees that the Midwest is pretty much entirely worthless and as for the South? Well…

 

With the stage thus set, MUI PR Blog is writing the definitive treatise on the East-West debate. Your correspondent is ranking the coasts on three key categories, pitting them against each other in a knock-down, drag-out fight for the Best Coast crown.

Without further ado:

 

1. Natural Disasters

Whichever coast you call home, Mother Nature can easily kill you. Whether you kiss the face of eternity struck by lightning while running in a freak Virginia thunderstorm or fried like an egg in a searing Arizona heat wave, natural disasters can and do happen on both sides of the States.

The question remains, which shining sea sees the most natural carnage?

On the East Coast, innocent Americans trying to live out the American dream are subjected to hurricanes, blizzards, heat waves, hail storms, and the occasional twister.

Out west? The temperature can skyrocket occasionally. It never rains, but when it does, the whole coast goes sliding into the Pacific. Oh, and this happens.

Winner: The West Coast

Even with the occasional monster quake thrown in, Nature seems slightly more friendly to sun-kissed Westerners. Plus, NYC is apparently in for a particularly nasty sharknado sometime in the near future.

Bonus reason you should never, ever live in the Midwest:

 

 

2. Lifestyle

Ooh, this one’s a doozy. Much has been made of the East-West lifestyle divide. Who earns top honors for best way to spend your days?

Easterners are famous for being constantly overworked and frazzled, which is another way of saying the vast majority of them are rude and probably hate babies. On the plus side, they have a true sense of heritage, priding themselves on colonial reenactments and sending their best and brightest to the most hallowed schools in the country, from whence they graduate and promptly ruin everything for everyone.

Westerners are famously easy-going, which is another way of saying the vast majority of them are perpetually stoned. They are a diverse bunch, priding themselves on their independence and individuality. They spend an excessive amount of time in cars, love their trees, and are beginning to hate Silicon Valley with a passion which is incredibly endearing and should be wildly applauded by everyone everywhere.

Winner: The West Coast

Sorry, Eastern seaboard. Brooks Brothers slacks nonwithstanding, the West’s slacker charm wins the day.

Bonus reason you should never, ever live in the Midwest:

 

 

3. Music

Music is the lifeblood of any society. So which side of the U.S. lays claim to the best tunes?

Out east, we have the musical Eden of New York City, where Bob Dylan made his name among the smoky coffee shops of Greenwich Village, Jay-Z became a business, man, and the Talking Heads were awesome. Nashville is Eastish, so we’ll throw the Music City in with the mix (though bro-country is so appallingly annoying, it may just lose the battle for the East)

The West lays claim to such luminaries as Joni Mitchell, the Beach Boys, the Doors and – gulp – Guns & Roses. Unfortunately, the music scene tends to concentrate around L.A., and L.A. is…

Winner: England.

Because Radiohead.

Bonus reason why you should never, ever live in the Midwest

 

There you have it, folks. A joyfully biased and blatantly untrustworthy analysis of the East-West divide. The West takes the cake in two out of three categories and England runs away with a surprise win, leaving the East Coast with…

 

Your correspondent is now going to pay $1.90 extra for guacamole on his Chipotle burrito, because avocados are God’s especial gift to his chosen West Coast children.

 

Do you disagree with your correspondent’s assessment? Start the discussion in the comments below or connect with me on Twitter @aa_murph