Congratulations! You’ve (nearly) made it to the weekend!

 

We at the MUI PR Blog know the work week can be rough. Five straight days of having to say real sentences with words at ungodly hours like 9:00 in the morning flirts with the realm of unspeakable horror. Come to think of it, real human interaction can be a drag, period. What you truly need is a cushy alternate existence in some digital second life a la The Matrix before Keanu Reeves ruined everything, where MUI PR bots cater to your every whim and the world is ruled by the benevolent and devastatingly good-looking writers of MUI PR Blog.

 

We don’t know how to set that up just yet (rest assured, we’re working on it), but in the meantime…

 

We understand you probably haven’t had time to catch up on the news of the world, what with cackling over Leonardo DiCaprio snubbing Justin Bieber at a Cannes nightclub and obsessing over the latest “Game of Thrones” episode and playing Candy Crush during coffee breaks, bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, meetings, presentations, conversations, and the birth of your firstborn child. Lucky for you, your correspondent is spending these balmy summer months in the third-most boring city in the U.S., so in between waking up, realizing where he is, letting loose a remarkably soulful bellow of despair, and hightailing it down to the local Kelly’s Pub to choose from their four-beer selection and ensconce himself in a greasy leather booth for the duration of his waking hours, he has ample time to read all those news articles you simply couldn’t. The result? An exquisitely crafted weekly run-down of what you need to know and why you need to know it.

 

1. Iraq Turmoil Worsens. Barely two years after the last U.S. combat troops left the country, Iraq looks to be teetering on the brink of renewed disaster. Marginalized and oppressed by Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki’s Shiite government, Iraqi Sunni Muslims are sounding a call to arms. Al-Qaeda-linked militias have overrun Mosul, Iraq’s second-largest city, and are turning their eyes to Baghdad. Fears of domino-effect deterioration are running rampant, as the conflict threatens to bleed into the Syrian power vacuum and throw the entire region into crisis. President Obama has not “ruled out anything” in considering a possible U.S. response to the situation, as calls mount for intervention.

 

2. The World Cup Kicks Off. On Thursday, Brazil ushered in the 2014 FIFA World Cup with a 3-1 defeat of Croatia in Sao Paulo. The lopsided score belied a surprising match, where the much-vaunted Brazilian squad looked alarmingly sloppy and disorganized (an own-goal in the first 20 minutes was particularly jarring). For Brazil, the dispiriting opener caps a difficult lead-up to the Cup, with widespread public demonstrations protesting rampant economic mismanagement and two-hour queues for taxis at the Sao Paulo airport. And now your correspondent is going to insert this meme for no particular reason.

 

3. Eric Cantor Defeated. For the first time in U.S. history, the House Majority Leader has lost in a primary election. On Tuesday, Eric Cantor was handed a stunning defeat in his Richmond district by a relatively unknown economics professor named David Brat. Cantor’s loss could herald a Tea Party resurgence and pose yet another roadblock to comprehensive immigration reform.

 

4. Clickhole goes live. Just…this. http://www.clickhole.com/ 

 

5. In The NBA Finals… Yeah, right. Zero chance your correspondent will say anything NBA-related ever. If you’re that curious, look it up yourself!

 

That about wraps it up for this wrap-up. If you want to be hip, check back on Sunday for a discussion of…get this…WARP DRIVE TECHNOLOGY and how it may not be such a whacky idea after all. Now, if you’ll excuse him, your correspondent is going to try to combine a pint of Guinness and a pint of Fat Tire. He’ll get back to you with the results.

 

Join your correspondent next week again for another rousing weekly roundup! Find me on Twitter @aa_murph